expectations are suffocating.
how do I get breath knocked back in to my lungs that are tired of trying to breathe? because this is both a void and quicksand that I am trapped in, so I need a lifeline and oxygen, a gulp of air and a grip, I need someone who believes I will make it through this - alive - someone who won't let me go under. a rough piece of wood is offered to me, there's an inscription nailed to one end I can't read, there's only one crossbeam, so it doesn't look like much of a ladder, is this all the help that is coming for me? I don't even know how to grab ahold of this thing. I see a man standing at the other end of this wood, his wrists are scarred, and there's a knowing in his gaze: he's been to hell and back, too, and yet still finds life worth the living. I want to know his secret, want to know just how he remains standing for me, what his reason is for being present with me when no one else even noticed I was drowning, how did he notice the choked up plea screaming out from the heart of me, will he stay or will he leave, I almost think I hear him say a few words, it sounds like he says "come to me," or is it "I've come for you, to set you free"? it couldn't be, it couldn't be either one, not spoken directly me, but he's still standing, still has his gaze set on me, there's a word on his lips, it's my name, it's my name, he really is here for me, he calls my name and he's reaching towards me with so much calm authority, I reach and then pull back, how did he find me? "I've been here for you all along" then why am I drowning? "I don't force entry" why do I see you now? "Sometimes in pain I am seen more clearly. You asked for breath and the breath I died to offer you is everything" your scars "Declare it is finished. Declare death is done reigning even here." how, please, I still don't understand "The breath I have to give comes with faith, come to me, I will give you rest" rest. I've never known a day without striving "You can find rest in me" it doesn't make sense but I believe him, I'll risk it, what do I have to lose, so I touch his hand, and I'm still being squeezed, but he's closer now, right next to me, his heartbeat is a steady rhythm, a low drumbeat I can feel just as I feel this unexplainable warmth and peace washing over every single dry and dehydrated part of me, just this peace, peace, peace, peace, it takes time, but eventually I realize I am breathing, this man walked into the void, the pit, to be with me and now I'm breathing freely and I think I believe he loves me Comments are closed.
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AuthorI write to process. I write to explore. I write with the hope of sharing truth greater than my own. Archives
February 2022
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